Feb 20, 2013

And You Call Yourself a Machine

I love all the humans I supervise; they do their best to talk like me, walk like me, act like me. They want to be me. I love and despise them.

“Gunnar,” I said to human employee 0ax0060106-HVHY, “this past quarter you have not taken advantage of multiple opportunities to synergize with your Field Sales customers in order to improve supply chain response time viz. leveraging our superior scheduling methods through the OFA approach. Please explain.”
(I like to see them sweat. The little darlings.)

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I couldn't parody corporate language in under 50 words. That is to say, I could, but I wouldn't meet my strategic goals for this prompt.

For all their efficiency, plenty of large organizations make their people stumble around picking words out of a haze of mycotic acronyms and quasi-magical phrases. Ritual without spirit.

Devoted bureaucrats thrive on obfuscation and they work hard to justify their status/keep their jobs. Bureaucracy tends to the esoteric; if you can convince others that nobody else understands High Hocus Pocus the way you do, it is in your best interest to hide in a fog of ambiguous writing which only you can decipher.

And if by any chance you think that Forbes 500 companies always operate at top efficiency, there's an article I'd recommend to you (but, woe is me, I have no bridge to sell).

A young management consultant reflects on the outcome of his skull-cracking at an unnamed company: "Similar results could have been achieved by having four monkeys throw darts at a few matrices."

If you'd like to learn a little more about how corporations work, and how their modus operandi affects people, I suggest that you check out The Corporation, a canny documentary on the role and status of corporations in the world today. Watch it over the weekend. What's the worst that can happen? Have your perspective challenged? It'll do you good.

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